Easy to Please

Some days just feel really good. There's nothing special in particular that happens - just little things going right, one after another; and none of the usual upsets matter at all.

This morning I spent some time copying a poem in long-hand to mail to one of my brothers. I kept making small errors, and so kept starting over. I've almost memorized the poem now. It was written by the late Leopold Staff, a Polish writer. I don't know the title; I read it in a book a year or so ago (I think it was The Art of Peace).

I didn't believe,
Standing on the bank of a river
Which was wide and swift,
That I would cross that bridge
Plaited from thin, fragile reeds
Fastened with bast.
I walked delicately as a butterfly
And heavily as an elephant;
I walked surely as a dancer
And wavered as a blind man.
I didn't believe that I would cross that bridge,
And now that I am standing on the other side
I don't believe I crossed it.

I like poems like this. When the voice sounds as surprised as I do by the ending. A good poem can really set the day up right.

I went to studio class today and we did some directing. I thought I hated directing, but turns out this was wrong. The instructor suggested that I direct the final project. First, the idea surprised me, and then I wanted to be nervous about it. Then it occurred to me: "But I don't feel nervous about it at all. It'll be fun!" My new motto for a while is: "Screw it up and learn!" I feel that much closer to my dream of being a producer. I don't remember who it was that said it, but they were right: You learn to create by creating.

Yesterday, Oprah had a show on about families. She featured 14 families from Charlotte, North Carolina, that had adopted over 30 Liberian orphans. It started with one Christian woman attending an African boys' choir fundraiser; she said God spoke to her and told her that two of those boys were hers. She adopted them, and even though her friends thought she was crazy, they eventually adopted kids, too. So now all of these black, Christian Liberian orphans are living with these white, middle class, Christian American families, and it all seems fairly strange and powerful. Following this, Oprah introduced a gay couple and five of their six children. The two men had taken in 21 foster kids over the years, and adopted the ones who eventually had nowhere else to go. I wondered if the Christian adoptive parents would have taken issue with the gay adoptive couple, and I appreciated that Oprah never posed that question. She just celebrated the generosity they were all practicing, and she said - without saying - all of these are people putting love into the world; all of these people are families.

When my brain settles on thoughts like these, I don't need the day to end; I'm not tired.

New Site Going Live?

Well, the new blog site is finally Internet Explorer compatible. *rolling eyes* I'm still working out appearance and formatting kinks, but this is where it's at right now. New blog.

A Wretched, Saving Grace

The DH tells me a story about his mother, and the Christian proselytizers who knock on her door from time to time, inviting her to Jesus. First, they testify about how they were once homeless, desperate, drug-addicted, abusive and unhappy people - but after they found Jesus they were healed. He said his mother's response - before shutting the door in their face - was, "Well, that's great for you, but I don't have any of those problems."

This morning I read "The Radical Christian Right is Built on Suburban Despair" by Chris Hedges - at the suggestion of the Lively Tradition - and it made me think about how many people have religion because they feel weak and lost without it. If I were not a UU, I wouldn't feel weak or lost. When I was Muslim, I thought I needed Islam to be a good person - to keep me on the path of doing good and being a good person. But since leaving the religion, I haven't been strangling small animals or setting people on fire. I play poker once in a while, average about two alcoholic drinks per month, and have had exactly one boyfriend, who I am still with. So much for the big "fall."

One afternoon a few months ago, I returned to the office from my lunch break feeling really upset. I'd just heard a report on National Public Radio about Lydia Cacho, a Mexican journalist, who was living under threats of death and facing a prison sentence because she'd written a book about child sex slavery, and the wealthy businessmen who supported it. I sat down at my desk and lamented to my coworker, a friendly Christian of the Southern Baptist persuasion. "Who - who are the people buying these children? And who are the people selling them? And how can so many people do such evil things?! What is wrong with the world?!"

I don't usually get worked up about things in public, but in those moments, I felt outraged, devastated, and powerless. My coworker - an active church leader who had attended biblical college 30 years ago - made an apologetic face, raised his hands and said, "Well, I don't know what the Koran says about this, but I can tell you what the Bible says." I blinked at him, and said "Okay."

"... And the Bible says that what holds Man back from committing these kinds of evils is the Holy Spirit. Without the Holy Spirit, this is what Man does."

I blinked again a number of times. I heard myself saying, "Well, I guess ..." as I turned back to my computer. But in the next moment I was thinking, "What the hell?! I don't have the Holy Spirit, and I'm not involved in child sex slavery or pornography - nor will I ever be!"

The DH had informed me a few weeks before that the reason why the religious right are so adamant against gays "advertising" themselves is because they truly believe that they, too, have the capacity to be gay; and it's only God keeping them from descending into heathen barbarianism. I was a little dubious, and thought he was just being anti-Christianity again, but here was the exact same sentiment, coming from a devout Christian!

I tend to have a tolerant attitude towards religious followers because 1) I was one once so I understand what it's like 2) most of my family is religious 3) I'm part of a religious community now (note: not a "follower"), 4) many religious people have been inspired by their faith to create wonderful things, 5) I believe in a spiritual element in life, and religion is one tool people use to explore that.

But ... wow - what a terrible disappointment to hear my co-worker say this. Not only is it a claim easily disproved by the examples of billions of non-saved people who do NOT engage in such despicable acts, but it's frightening that people believe we're all just a few steps away from being monsters.

It's obvious to me that we're each capable of committing evil or good (however you choose to define these terms), but the Holy Spirit is not what guides us. Rather, it is our own conscience and will. I'm deeply disturbed by this preoccupation with believing and publicly declaring oneself to be a "sinner." If you see the God-Up-There as Perfection, then you're setting yourself up to feel inferior. Where is the good in that? Here on earth, no one is perfect. Do we need to believe in a God-Up-There to acknowledge our flaws and errors? To be humble? To have perspective about our place in the world? I say no.

Some people, however, have convinced themselves that, without the saving grace of the God-Up-There, they would be hopeless, lost to the world, and the lowest of the low. I know that feeling because I clasped tight to it for many years. I remember that sense of being filled with the breath of God (Allah), of scrambling to avoid being swallowed up in the chaos of the world, and of teetering on the line dividing Paradise from Hellfire. I remember this, and I think, "But I felt this way even when I was ten years old!" It was just an illusion.

(photo by friend of HSA; Together, they will rotate on the spits of Hellfire. 2006)

Most Popular Posts

When I look at my hit stats, I'm amazed at how people are still finding my old post on a bell hooks lecture. Quite a few people are running google searches such as: +"bell hooks" +"on Crash." In fact, one out of every ten visitors to my site is coming to check out that particular post.

It would seem the combination of +"popular academic" +"mainstream movie" is drawing out all my fellow disciples of cultural studies.

I just figured out how, with my site meter software, to see what my most popular posts have been. Some of them are not surprises because I've been seeing them show up on my hit results for months after they were written. Others, I wonder about.

For example, the second most popular post is What's In My Name? This was a post that was simply about how I like my name and wish people would spell it correctly! Explain that one to me. The Meat-Eating and Spiritual Practice post is the 3rd most popular, followed by part two of the report-back on the bell hooks lecture, and my big old rant about "church as entertainment." Rounding out the top 7 (after this, the hits fall below 1% of the total visitors) are my random posts on the angel of death and looking for love (aka, how I would never have given my sweetie the time of day for a whole bunch of dumb-ass reasons).

So the most popular topics for me to write about - I guess - are movies, vegetarianism, angels (or death?), dating, showbiz worships, and the meanings of Arabic names. I'm not seeing any patterns there, so this data is unlikely to have any bearing on what I blog about in the coming year.

p.s. I still hate Internet Explorer for not adhering to standards. My new blog is still in limbo for this reason.

"Listen to Yourself!"

Last night I stayed up til four a.m. talking to the DH and our roommate about the inanity of public education. What follows is a rant, hastily written.

It occurred to me only a month ago that the three of us all had unconventional schooling (unschooling/homeschooling). I left school two months into the 7th grade, and later attended one year of high school. The DH dropped out of the 9th grade to write software, and didn't even bother to get his GED until years later. The roommate went to high school but was homeschooled by conservative Christian parents for most of his life; he later served in the Navy for four or six years, and is about as anti-establishment and anti-religion as one can be without actually being an activist.

I thought I had radical ideas about schooling, but these two put me to shame. The DH believes that the traditional public and private education system is not simply flawed, but actually harms children.

A few months ago, when the school year began, I was hanging out at the house of the DH's parents. His little sister is in 6th grade (middle school). I was disturbed to discover that the students at her school are not permitted to carry their backpacks in the hallways. This is because the school administrators are fearful of guns being toted around. Lockers have also been eliminated, so that students cannot stash guns or drugs in them. Hats and black nail polish are forbidden to discourage kids from engaging in subversive behavior. What on earth kind of nonsense is this? This is a school in a rural/suburban town where there is no history of school shootings! But is it really any surprise? Look at how the adults in our society are so indifferent about sacrificing their constitutional rights in the name of national security.

One of the things that positively disgusted me was reading some of the arguments during the Planet Pluto debate. I couldn't believe there were educators and scientists in the media arguing that we couldn't withdraw Pluto's planet status because then the children would be confused, and question everything they'd been taught in school. Regardless of my opinion of what Pluto should be classified as, that type of reasoning just makes me say WHAT?!

The other day I actually saw a commercial on television: several couples (strangely enough, all people of color) were depicted in the ads talking about how educational some children's network or program was. One "mother" actually said, "It's like having a preschool right in your living room." WHAT?

I once had a customer interrupt me as I was reviewing her electric consumption with her. Her voice dripped with condescension: "Listen to yourself ! How could I have used 74 kilowatt hours in a DAY, when there are only 24 hours in a day?" It remains the only time I have been rendered speechless in my work. This woman was in her 30s. And she had a job that required a college degree.

I feel as though I'm far too young for this to be having these thoughts. I know a young woman who graduated from high school three years ago and did not know (until last week, when she asked someone) who had won the American Civil War. She is not a stupid person; she is actually quite intelligent. But what on earth was going on for those twelve years of suburban public schooling that she so dutifully completed?

The more I think about it, the more I realize how public schools are like corporations. And I have sympathy for all the disaffected, bored adolescents out there whose parents are forcing them to attend school because they don't know what else to do with them. Surely, these kids must feel as frustrated as the middle aged, middle-class corporate drones and peons most of them are destined to become.

I'm reminded of that wonderful Soderbergh film, Kafka, when one character says to Kafka, "It's not too bad working here, though." And Kafka replies, "You've never felt it was a horrible double life, from which there was probably no escape but insanity?"


(cover of Grace Llewellyn's, The Teenage Liberation Handbook: How to Quit School and Get a Real Life and Education. Note: Back when this book came out, I was friends with the girl on the cover - she, her mom, her brother, and her goats were awesome.)

New Year, New Haircut

After years of lamenting and dreading hair stylists the way some people dread the dentist, I finally got a haircut that I felt happy with. And it cost me $22, and was at the MALL, of all places.

This was me earlier in 2006:


And this is me today:




No more messing with twists, frizz, and headbands. Whoo hoo! Plus, I've lost ten pounds and counting. Yay!

Strong Words by William Stafford

Strange but life isn’t serious anymore. Oh, people get incensed about issues, about atrocities that flare in the news, about the long, grinding subjugation of women. We are alert for such topics. But the more we perceive, the more we destroy our sense of the immediate value of living. Now we tell each other that death is better than oppression. Then, we value life too much for such frivolous opinions.

Today popular magazines pour consumer solaces endlessly, but their articles and stories are about lives that are shallow, desperate, banal, blighted. And the public wander from one distraction to another, carrying their emptiness within them: “I acquiesce in the deterrent of terror. I am preserved by my readiness to kill them all.”

The Radio and Spinoza

Tonight on the radio, I was listening to "To the Best of Our Knowledge," a public radio program. I was fortunate enough to catch Segments 1 and 2 of their "Science vs. Religion" piece. Fascinating. My favorite piece was the interview with Rebecca Goldstein, who wrote Betraying Spinoza: the Renegade Jew Who Gave Us Modernity. I enjoyed everything she had to say, especially as she recounted her Orthodox Jewish upbringing and how she was first introduced to Spinoza. He was presented as a brilliant man who was led astray by asking dangerous questions.

I'm interested in questions that a religion would say are dangerous. Goldstein said that religion is not about the pursuit of truth, and shouldn't be perceived as such. She is pretty big on being rational.

Then there was Francis Collins, who was formerly an atheist but was converted to evangelical Christianity after reading Mere Christianity. The DH got really pissed off by this guy because Collins set up a couple of straw men (e.g. claiming that scientists like to state "There is no God."). I don't know what Collins' deal was, but I was a little bored by the idea that if you decide to believe in God, it must be the Christian God. He also strongly suggested that people who didn't believe in God were demonstrating "hubris" and were children. He worked on the human genome project and recorded a strange song about it.

Lastly, there was a piece on paganism. I know so little about "paganism and witchcraft" (as it was put forth in this segment), and wanted to know how some pagans felt that their belief in magic didn't contradict science at all. Some points were made about following nature, the laws of physics. What most intrigued me though, was when one of those interviewed talked about how at their pagan place of worship, people come in with different beliefs about gods/goddesses, and that this is all right. The impression I was left with is that paganism bears some similarity to UUism in that it doesn't have a dogma, and those who practice it are free to interpret different aspects of it in the way that makes most sense to them.

At this point I began to wonder if the questions about whether UUism is really a "religion" are asked about paganism?

In any case, it was an hour well spent. You can listen to this program here. (There is a Real Audio stream).